My Son's Story Page 8

  I nodded and kept my head turned away. She saw I didn’t want to be presented with this version, this performance—another one, in our house.

  —The bathroom was the only place to get away.—

  The packet of Gillette Sword, the dagga and the self-pity. I wish I didn’t have so much imagination, I wish that other people’s lives were closed to me.

  —They just made me sick. Sick of them.—

  Now I knew what Baby was really telling me. I knew who ‘they’ were; known to us both, not the crowd at Marcia’s place on a Saturday night who were not my crowd.

  She wanted some response to help her inveigle me—her innocent dumb brother—into an attitude she wanted me to adopt. She was trying buddy-buddy with me.

  I only listened; she had to say herself what she hoped I would.—I suppose I could have gone home. It’s not far. But you can imagine the fuss, with Ma, me arriving at two in the morning when she thinks I’m tucked up giggling in bed with a bosom friend. That’s the problem with not having your own place. Living with the family. Parents, okay. Even the best parents in the world, we’re different, not like them. Once you’re grown up you’ve got to forget about their life. Let them have it, it’s their business and you’ve got your own life to live. You have to have a place.—She looked at me to see if she was succeeding. —Can’t go running to them, they’ve got a life of their own.—

  Now she chattered away from what she had got said, gabbling about the flat in another grey area she and Jackie and Dawn and two Indian fellows, probably, were going to share, they’d take her in as soon as she got a job, and I understood what she’d been telling me when she was supposed to be confessing why she wanted to die on a Saturday night among strangers. Baby was covering up for him, again. My father. She was warning me off: his life. Poor Baby. His Baby, still.

  He was able to forget so quickly.

  She encouraged him—she’s just like him, after all, although she looks like my mother, she’s devious and lying as he is. She found a job with an insurance agent (I think one of the fellows who were sharing the flat and perhaps she was sleeping with him) and she would come flying into the house when it suited her, bringing flowers or a ripped hem for my mother to mend, hooking an arm round my father’s neck and kissing his ear, if he happened to be there, and calling, if he was not—as she left, her mouth full of some of my mother’s goodies she was carrying away:—Don’t forget to give Pa my love!—She was pretty and talkative and amusing, mimicking and laughing and begging for gossip about family and friends she never saw, any more.

  I don’t know whether my mother ever told him what Dr Jasood said about her animation. Her vulgarity splashed all over my mother. Yet she said to me more than once—As long as Baby’s busy and happy—My mother, too, was saying something else: that since nothing could be done about Dr Jasood’s diagnosis of my sister’s state, my mother was thankful she was proving resilient enough to divert it to some purpose of her own.

  You would have thought nothing had happened. We settled into an uncanny sort of normality, an acceptance of the rearrangement of our lives to his convenience. I know for a fact that several times he took my mother to gatherings at the house of some white people where that woman of his was also present. My mother had to sit down and eat with her.

  And I have been to where she lives. Where he goes to her. He sent me. Could you believe it?

  There was someone who always knew where Sonny was.

  The Security Police. He knew that, Hannah knew that. It did not count as witness, as intrusion. The Security Police work secretly as any love affair.

  A man who has been convicted of a crime against the State will continue to be watched as long as his life or the State that convicted him lasts; whichever endures the longer. A woman who associates with such a man will be watched. The third presence in the lovers’ privacy is the Security Police; anonymous, unseen: a condition of the intimacy of political activists. The men who had taken Sonny away and locked him up in detention, knew. Knew about him. Were in it with him. It was not in their interest to blow this kind of cover. If he had been an important revolutionary figure they (easily) might have arranged with a country hotel to bug the rondavel, and leaked tapes to the Sunday press to smear his character. They could have got the Minister to place a ban on his movements. But they did not, because while he was without restriction, running to the rendezvous of his lady-love, he might also lead them to those of his underground associates still unknown to them.

  After what nearly happened that Saturday night (this was the only way he could allow himself to formulate it) Sonny realized that someone else ought to know where he could be found. In case something actually happened. There in the house. But to whom could he go? Whom could he tell, if my daughter is bleeding to death in the bathroom, fetch me from this address? If Aila collapses in that kitchen, if he—Will—gets electrocuted fixing a light-plug, call me from Hannah’s bed, close to the earth. He would be driving alone—once it was to the ghettos of the Vaal Triangle, where the community organizations’ rent boycott was becoming a major campaign, he was thinking how best to respond to their problems of spontaneous violence against corrupt councillors—and, suddenly, he would have an impulse to lift his hands from the steering-wheel. Let go. The car skidding, careering, turning over and over, taking him. He would gain control of himself in a sweat. Had not let go; had not let his mind swerve back to what might have happened that Saturday night.

  Hannah did not know about these moments—it was perhaps the first thing ever he kept from her—but she had the instinct, for her own protection, that he ought to be encouraged to talk about his daughter—Baby. The very name of the girl came awkwardly from him: Hannah saw he was hearing it now as he imagined she must—silly, sugary, cheap lower-class sentimentality of the ignorant poor in the ghetto of a small town where you couldn’t even use the library. It embarrassed him to realize, indeed, how stupidly, crassly, the substitute for a name was stuck upon the grown girl. The woman; a woman, now, like Aila and like Hannah.—D’you remember her at all, dancing, the night you were at my house for a party?—

  —Of course.—How could she not remember every detail of that party, the second time only that she had seen in their own home the family to which he belonged by right, and when he was still, just out of prison, a materialization she couldn’t take her eyes off.

  —The party the women arranged, music and so on.—

  —Yes, you invited me …—

  —I saw the fellows looking at her, you know …the way men look at women, and I looked too and saw her little round backsides, the cheeks, riding up and down in that skirt or dress, whatever it was, and nipples showing under thin stuff as she moved—

  —And how fantastically she moved!—Hannah wanted to coax him to laugh with her and accept lightly what he was innocently confessing, that he had been sexually stirred by his daughter.

  —That little girl who used to make me ashtrays out of back-yard mud although I never smoked. She was a lovely young woman. Even though I say it, she was beautiful, hey, and a lovely expression, too. So full of spirit.—

  —But you’re talking about her as if she’s dead!—Hannah was distressed, strangely laughing.—Sonny, she’s alive. It’s not ‘was’! She is, she is!—

  What would I do if I did not have you, Sonny said to Hannah when he was safe, still inside her after love-making—she liked to keep him there, held by her broad thighs that trembled when she walked naked about the room. And tranquilly, because it was all one, in them, they turned from caresses to worried discussion about the action of police agents provocateurs among church groups in the rent boycotts.

  There was Will. What would he have done if there hadn’t been Will. Only to Will could he find some way of indicating where he could be found if something happened. Like the Security Police, Will would be in on it; Will already was in on the mystery of his absences. Will could not evade being drawn further in.

  Sonny had no choice. Needing Hannah.
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  I went on the motorbike. I had it by then. They gave it to me for my birthday. He said to me with that smile of a loving parent concealing a fine surprise, you can get a licence at sixteen now, can’t you. So I knew he was going to buy me a bike. I never asked for it but they gave it to me. With the latest, most expensive helmet for my safety; he must have had to promise my mother that.

  I went with the helmet and chin-guard and goggles hiding my face. You can’t see the place from the street, where he goes. Dogs at the gate, and a black gardener had to come to let me in; I suppose they wag their tails for someone who comes often, is well known to them by his own scent. There was a big house but that’s not where he goes. She lives in a cottage behind trees at the end of the garden. Maybe there’s even a private entrance from there I didn’t know about, he didn’t like to tell me. All open and above-board through the front entrance.

  He must have told her, she was expecting me. Oh it’s Will, isn’t it—as if the helmet and stuff prevented her from recognizing me, from remembering the cinema that time. It also playfully implied, determined to be friendly, that I was rude, not taking the helmet off. So I did. So she could see it was me, Will, yes. I gave her whatever it was he’d sent me with. It was a package, books or something, he told me ‘Miss Plowman’ needed urgently.—You’re the family Mercury now, with that wonderful machine of yours—off you go, son, but don’t tear along like a Hell’s Angel, hey.—A perfect performance in front of my mother.

  This was where he came. It must be familiar as our house to him, where we live now and where we lived when we were in Benoni, because our house is where we are, our furniture, our things, his complete Shakespeare, the smells of my mother’s cooking and the flowers she puts on the table. But this isn’t like a house at all; well, all right, a cottage, but not even any kind of place where you’d expect a white would live. The screen door full of holes. Bare floor and a huge picture like spilt paint that dazzles your eyes, a word-processor, hi-fi going with organ music, twisted stubs in ashtrays, fruit, packets of bran and wheat-germ, crumpled strings of women’s underthings drying on a radiator—and a bed, on the floor. There was the bed, just a very big wide mattress on the floor, covered with some cloth with embroidered elephants and flowers and bits of mirror in the design—the bed, just like that, right there in the room where anybody can walk in, the room where I was standing with my helmet in my hand.

  So now I know.

  Who is Hannah Plowman?

  Not only his father’s blonde. Not the woman cast by the adolescent son as an excuse for sulky defensiveness, disdain—and jealousy. Not the fancy-woman fellow-traveller of a coloured with a subversive record, known to the Security Police. The dossier of an individual’s conscious origins is really all that is sure, and it goes back only so far as the individual’s own living memory. Hers begins with her maternal grandfather, and she knew, at least, that she was named for his Quaker mother although he was an Anglican—a missionary in one of the British Protectorates on the borders of the country. After some minor members of British royalty had come to see the Union Jack lowered and the flag of independence raised, the missionary stayed on in his retirement among the old black baputi1 whose souls he was convinced he had saved and whose language had become the one he most used. He did a little translating of religious works for the local Sunday schools and he reminisced with old Chiefs. His brother had gone to South Africa and become chairman of a finance corporation, with directorships in mining, maize products and the packaging industry. The brother paid for Hannah’s education in England when she outgrew the village mission school she attended with the local black children; for her mother had studied nursing in what was then Rhodesia, and come back to the mission pregnant with what turned out to be a girl child. Hannah was told her father had been a soldier, and since she knew soldiers got killed in wars, presumed he was dead. Later she found out he was a Bulawayo policeman who already had a wife. Hannah’s mother married a Jewish doctor she met when she was theatre sister at the mission hospital taken over by the independent government, and went to live in Cape Town. Until her mother emigrated with him to Australia, Hannah spent part of her school holidays in the grandfather’s mud-brick and thatch house at the mission, and part in the Cape Town suburb among her step-father’s collection of modern paintings.

  An individual life, Hannah’s, but one that has followed the shifts in power of the communities into which she was born. So that what she really is, is a matter of ‘at that time’ and ‘then’; qualifications and uncertainties. Her step-father would have paid to send her to the Michaelis School of Art, since she showed such intelligent ignorance when studying his pictures, but she hankered after her late-afternoon wanderings in the mission village that had become the outskirts of a town, talking with the young men she had always known, now wearing T-shirts distributed by the brewery, the girls she had played with, now coming back from shift as cleaners at the Holiday Inn. And when she was with her grandfather and he suggested she would be happy qualifying to teach at what had been her old school, founded by him, the idea settled over her in dismay. In Cape Town she had met young people, university students, sons and daughters of comfortable, cultivated white households like her step-father’s, who were working with trade unions, legal aid bureaux, community arts programmes, human rights projects in squatter camps—while she would be teaching children just enough to fit them to bottle beer and clean the dirt rims off tourists’ bath-tubs. She was not a dilettante but not socially programmed, so to speak; had to choose where to place herself more realistically than in her childish broad sense that all Southern Africa was home: there were boundaries, treaties, barbed wire, heavily-armed border posts.

  South Africa is a centripetal force that draws people, in the region, not only out of economic necessity, but also out of the fascination of commitment to political struggle. The fascination came to her in the mud-brick and thatch of the mission, the dust that had reddened her Nordic hair and pink ears: from her grandfather’s commitment to struggle against evil in men, for God. For her the drive was to struggle against it for man—for humans. (She was a feminist, careful of genders. But she wouldn’t have thought of it as ‘evil’—too pretentious, too sanctimonious for her, though not in her grandfather.) She worked to that end in a number of organizations around South Africa. Some were banned, and she would have to move on to a similar socially-committed job elsewhere. She was married for a while to a young lawyer who became clinically depressed by the government’s abrogations of the rule of law and persuaded her to emigrate; he went ahead to London but there recovered and fell in love with someone else, she never joined him. The hi-fi equipment, records and books were shipped to him. She took only the mattress from the king-size bed (because with that you could live anywhere) and a painting by a follower of Jackson Pollock her step-father had given her when he packed up for Australia. The trusts and foundations that employed her paid very little, out of a dependency on charitable grants from abroad. Yet you cannot be called poor if you are poor by choice—if she had wanted to, she could have been set up in a boutique or public relations career by the branch of her grandfather’s family who had ‘made good’ not in the way he had shown her.

  The nature of work she did develops high emotions. It arises from crises. It deals only with disruption, disjunction—circumstances in people’s lives that cannot be met with the responses that serve for continuity. To monitor trials is to ‘monitor’ the soaring and plunging graph of feelings that move men and women to act, endangering themselves; the curves and drops of bravery, loss of nerve, betrayal; cunning learnt by courage, courage learnt by discipline—and others which exceed the competence of any graph to record, would melt its needle in the heat of intensity: the record of people who, receiving a long jail sentence, tell the court they regret nothing; of those who, offered amnesty on condition that they accept this as ‘freedom’ in place of the concept for which they went to prison, choose to live out their lives there. Such inconceivable decisions a
re beyond the capacity of anyone who does not make one. The spirit’s shouldering of the world, as Atlas’s muscles took on the physical weight of the world. Such people cannot be monitored. But knowing them and their families, who have this abnormal—Hannah, speaking of it once with Sonny, corrects herself—no, not abnormal, can’t use that word for it—that divine strength expands the emotional resources of an ordinary individual (like Hannah) even in grasping that it does exist.

  Association with prisoners of conscience is a special climate in which this heightening infloresces. Listening in courts while the sacrifice of their individual lives for man against evil slowly is distorted by the law in volumes of recorded words, police videos, in the mouths of State witnesses, into an indictment for having committed evil; touching the hands of the accused across the barrier while they joke about their jailers; visiting the wives, husbands, parents, children, the partners in many kinds of alliances broken by imprisonment—all this extended Hannah’s feelings in a way she would not have known possible for anyone. In love. She was in love. Not as the term is understood, as she had been in love, at twenty-three, with her lawyer, and they had ceased to love. In love, a temperature and atmospheric pressure of shared tension, response, the glancing contact of trust in place of caresses, and the important, proud responsibility of doing anything asked, even the humblest tasks, in place of passionate private avowals. A loving state of being.